Tag Archives: vulnerability

Did you ever spend an intimate moment with your partner where he or she was telling you something that was important to them. You talk, sooth each other and you feel like giving everything to this loved person. Then she checks her phone. Or he gets up and gets a beer from the fridge.

Then out of nowhere you are getting frustrated, negative and even aggressive. You lost the place of love and went into the place of need. The atmosphere is ruined.

The same can happen at work. You thought you have a good relationship with a colleague or a manager and then one day out of the blue they shout at you. Or they send you a really long email how you disappointed them again and how you ruined their day.

Did you ever experience this?

What I have learned over the last three years of being an entrepreneur is that we can influence the way we respond in 80% of the time. In 20% of the time I still want to learn to stay calm and compassionate. Here are seven steps to responding in order to avoid negativity in relationships.

1) Take a break

Emily Bennington held a talk at the Powerhouse Zurich in September 2013 and explained the space between stimulus and response. In this area we can decide if we shout, cry or explode. Often we are losing control though and just act out.

We could pull us out of the situation and respond with compassion and love. Often when we get emotional it helps to remove ourselves from the situation and look at what is going on.

Ask yourself: “What do I need now to feel secure and loved again?”

 2) Respond by expressing your need

Instead of shouting back or answering with another long-winded email we could say “I understand that you are tired today but my need for order and a structured week gets messed up when we do not finish the housework on the weekend.”

To your colleague you could respond to the email saying: “I understand why you are angry but I’d prefer to discuss this in person. When can we talk?”

 

3) Listen to the signs of your body

Our bodies are featured with red lights. Some of us have been on the autobahn of our lives for too long though to see the red lights when they go on. After years of training as a coach and lots of sensitivity exercises I now recognize the red lights better.

You might feel dizzy in the stomach or head, your heartbeat increases, blood rushes into your head or your hands start to shiver.

When I feel overwhelmed with stress another indicator is severe back pain in the lower part of my back.

I listen to my body and when I notice any signs I take a note in my diary and ask myself what I need right now.

Sometimes it could just be water, food or a break but often it is an emotional need.

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4) Let your written response simmer in your draft folder

I once in my young career made the mistake of answering all emails immediately. Everything always seemed urgent. Until I made a mistake and my manager gave me advice to let emails simmer in the draft folder. So now I have a rule not to send emails I wrote under emotional pressure for a minimum of twelve hours.

I risk to be considered slow. Most people who know me well already know that I must be thinking hard as I am usually VERY responsive and fast with email.

In 2015 I deleted at least ten emails the next morning or even two hours after they were written. Most of the time I recognized that I was talking to my inner worry monster, not the person who emailed me initially.

5) Have a conversation with your inner worry monster

Do you know anyone who likes negative feedback or criticism? I don’t. But I know that when I have a good relationship and someone gives me a feedback on what I could improve I am happy and thankful. UNLESS and here is the catch they put their finger right into the wound that says „Thou art not worthy.“ (you are a scam).

Millions of women (and a lot of men) are suffering from the imposture syndrome. Thank God I finally stopped dreaming that I did not pass university and have to take the math test again (which funnily enough was my best subject).

The worry monster attacks us when we are moving out of our comfort zone into unknown lands of skills we never had to master. Next to practicing daily it might help you to speak to your worry monster. Tell him all that you have done already to practice and how you will continue to do so. It could be that the worry monster appreciates your efforts.

 

6) Listen to guided meditations

Ok, I know that meditation is not everybody’s cup of tea but sometimes when the negative talk is too loud you need to hear another voice. Give yourself 5 minutes in the morning and listen to a guided meditation.

 

7) Go running or walking

A lot of people I know go running or walking to “get their head clear”. I think they alsIMG_0183o clear their hearts. Both exercises are helping your heart digest the emotional food it has been served. Maybe you are a very sensitive person. I often pick up emotions of my clients or they remind me of my own emotional state a few years back. I developed rituals to help my heart handle these emotions.

 

Tell us how you made a difference by responding with kindness and compassion instead of emotion and aggression?

 

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